#i am working on reminding myself that sometimes my writing can be bad. that its fine for my writing to be bad

[scribbling-dragon]

writing shorter oneshots has actually been so much fun recently. like, seriously, i love doing them. it’s great! im having fun, and being able to sit down and write something short n sweet has been super nice

[elminx]

Magic for Recentering During Times of Conflict

Note: I am writing this immediately following the November 2024 election cycle, but this is not meant to be specific to this time. Nor am I inferring that magic can solve all of our problems. Please seek out help from a professional if you need it.

One of the deep truths that I have uncovered in my life is that when I am unbalanced (emotionally, physically, spiritually), I am of no use to myself or to others. When something rocks me to the core of my being as this election has, I need to feel all of the feels first and foremost. Then, I need to find a way to move on from the immediate (VERY VALID) emotional turmoil so that I don't get stuck in a pattern of rumination or pathological catastrophizing.

These are some of the ways that I do so. This list is not meant to be exhaustive and, of course, I do not expect every one of these to work for everyone. That is okay and expected. I'm also not including medical, psychological, or court-based interventions because I am not a doctor or a lawyer. Some of these tips are purely magical in nature and some are what I would call magic adjacent - they are mundane actions that are cleansing in nature.

Feel your feelings. I know I said AFTER, but I feel that I need to reiterate this. These steps are unlikely to work until you have worked your way through the first stages of rage, revolt, grief, name your emotion here. How long this takes will be different for everyone. Don't rush this.

Breathe. When I am really In It, I find meditation nearly impossible. I need to be reminded how to take deep breaths. This is when I get help—I use the Tide App for this. I set it to "Breathe," a fifteen-minute timer, and balanced breath. If you're new to breath work, start with five minutes. This is very simple: The app makes a sound for inhalation and one for exhalation. For many people, deep breathing helps to bring your nervous system into balance.

Change. This isn't a tip for everyone, but you know who you are. (I'm definitely guilty of this) If you've been wearing the same clothes for a week, stewing in your emotional turmoil, it's time to change them. Every single item you've been wearing. This may go to blankets or bedding, too. Put them all in the wash and give yourself a fresh set and a fresh start.

Wash. Take an intentional bath or shower. Wash every part of your body, focusing on removing the bad emotions with soap and washing them down the drain. You can add oomph to this by using soaps with cleansing scents (think lavender, citrus, lemongrass, sage, etc.).

Cut or Dye your hair. This is a deep take that will only work for some people, but if you're like me, cutting your hair can be a big release. It doesn't have to be a big change (though I find the bigger the cut, the bigger the release). Sometimes, making a visible change to your appearance can change how you feel. IYKYK

Small Cleansing Rituals. These will vary greatly depending on your practice and culture. If cleansing yourself with smoke or crystals really gets you, do it.

Clean Your House - stale energy is stale. Part of getting over an emotional episode, for me, is getting the energy in my environment flowing again. Open some windows. Wash your floors. Pick up the mess you created when you were too In It to do anything more than feel. This could be your bedroom, house, or space in which you spent the most time while you were down for the count. You can add oomph to this with Cleansing Vinegar.

Big Cleansing Rituals—When something is really stuck, we need the big guns. This could be cord-cutting or cleansing spells, whatever works well for you. I have a spell that works for this here.

Flush it out of you. (TW: alcohol) If you're the potion type, you can make a cleansing potion to move the emotions through your body until you eventually pee them out. This doesn't have to be alcoholic, though I like alcohol for its mild diuretic effects in this scenario. Think cleansing with citrus here, especially. My long-form lemonade will definitely work here, as would many types of tea. I have a seasoned cocktail specifically designed to do this here.

Banish it. There are too many ways to do a banishing spell for me to list them all here. But, since we are talking about explicitly banishing something from your own body - I suggest using food. Onions and black pepper are good banishing ingredients that taste great, too. I have a French Onion Soup banishing recipe here.

I want to reiterate here that if you are still dealing with your emotions stage of things right now, that is completely okay. This isn't meant to rush anyone through this process. We are all different people with different needs. It's also okay (and probably expected) that all of these things listed above won't work for all people - after all, they are things that work for me, specifically.

You need to find out what works for you. If don't know where to start right now, I hope this gave you some ideas. And, as always, if there's a method of getting through the hard shit that you'd like to add to this, please do! We could all use some new ideas for the hard road ahead.

[s-che]

Monsterhearts 2: Plotting Anti-Plot

Last week I had the fortune to MC (and play) Monsterhearts 2 for the first time as the Dream Library begins a unit on monsters, monstrosity, and monsterfucking which will carry us through November, and boy howdy am I glad we managed to do it. 

For those who (somehow) don’t know, Monsterhearts is a game that bills itself as being about “the messy lives of teenage monsters.” It cites Twilight, Buffy, Ginger Snaps, The Vampire Diaries, and The Craft as media touchstones, it’s not joking when it says that these monsters are 1. messy and 2. teenagers. Monsterhearts is angsty, horny, frightening and, above all else, extremely fun to play. On top of that, Monsterhearts is also one of those games that, if you’re in a certain sector of the indie RPG scene, people will remind you is extremely fun to play all the fucking time. It feels sometimes like every designer I know has a good Monsterhearts story, and as much as Avery Alder’s reputation on a larger stage has been defined by The Quiet Year, I get the sense that for people who like what Monsterhearts is doing it’s an extremely hard game to beat. 

So to be totally honest, I was more than a little anxious MCing for my first time actually playing the game. There’s a sense in which hosting a game which you know is great can be way harder than hosting games you think might be bad — after all, if the session goes poorly, there’s nobody to blame but yourself. On top of that, Monsterhearts moves through some tricky territory: underage sex is a core element of the game, and the eight “Small Towns” (short, pre-prepped settings for quick starting the game) all deal more or less explicitly with histories of racism and colonialism in communities across North America. While these are interesting places to go in play, the idea of taking them on myself as host made me shy away a little bit (and I’m excited in the next session to look at things from a player’s perspective). 

All in all, though, I think the session was a resounding success. I went in with basically no prep and as much familiarity with the book as I could get (not enough to realize the quick reference sheet we were using for the first half of the session was from Monsterhearts 1, but so it goes), relying on the game itself — which leans away from strictly organized plots and encourages you, in true PBTA fashion, to let characters and their needs bounce off each other until the conversation goes somewhere interesting — to get us smoothly into play. I would call my efforts there a mixed success: while Avery has a real skill for writing pedagogically, giving you the explicit frameworks you need to get into play (if you’ve never begun a session of The Quiet Year by reading the rules book aloud to each other, you should go fix that now), the session was hampered a little by some awkward pacing and uncertainty: partially driven by my chronic tendency to waste time on slowly establishing things in one-shots rather than swinging as hard as I can in the first five minutes and letting the players lead from there and partially by player character relationships that lead to clear, decisive actions... which left one of our players bored at work while the other two went off adventuring. We ended up taking a moment, after returning from the normal mid-session bio-break, to chat and refocus ourselves, figuring out where we wanted to go and what we wanted to see in the last hour or so of the session, and then jumping back in and — thankfully — playing hard to reach a strong conclusion. In the end, I’m not interested in tracking down exactly where the first half of our session lost its footing (although I have some ideas for how I could have hit harder as an MC). I’m more interested in celebrating the way the table was able to come together, talk explicitly about what we wanted, and get the game somewhere satisfying for everyone involved. We closed on, among other things: an underwater fight between the Fairy (Mermaid?) Queen and a Kraken-Leviathan-Hellmonster, a throuple sneaking off from a beach party to hook up, and the messy end of a South Jersey summer (complete with a tsunami and a beached whale front of the boardwalk). It was a good time. 

Most striking to me in this moment, however, is the way thinking about Monsterhearts as a plotless game positions both me as MC and the other players. It really speaks to the way that capital-T The capital-C Conversation works in Powered by the Apocalypse games (good ones, anyway) to let play flow not according to the rules of a paced narrative, but along lines of player interest and highly-charged emotional incident. It is, I think, part of what makes all the PBTA games we’ve played in the Dream Library sing (in no small part because we pruned the last unit and didn’t play any PBTA games I think are bad, but that’s a different conversation) and it suits this game — with it’s emphasis on sex and messy desire — extremely well. It also fits in nicely with a point I’ve heard a couple of people make recently: that thinking of RPGs as first and foremost collective narrative engines is, at the very least, a narrow view. 

Anyway, this week I’m fortunate enough to be joined by a new host (hi @jdragsky) so I can check out MH as a player, then we’ve got a couple of two-shots planned for the end of the month before we move on to our next monstrously intimate game: Bluebeard’s Bride. You want in on an upcoming game? Have a link. You want to hear more about Monsterhearts? One of my players wrote up some of her thoughts as well.

Otherwise, well, get out of here. Scram.

[kosmicdream]

Please don’t think of me as a male artist.

..is what i used to feel, for many years, even when I finally came out as trans. In a way, its one of the factors that kept me from pursuing HRT (which im so glad i finally did.) After only one year, my feeling on this hasn’t evaporated completely but i suppose I kind of don’t care anymore about how I am interpreted, as a person/artist, ect.. It isn’t something i can be in control of anyway, which upsets me less than it used to.

Sometimes in the past, the way i write characters has often been analyzed by the gender I am, or appear to be - that my male characters were written like how a woman writes men (too emotional/vulnerable, ect) , or how my female characters are written thoughtlessly- like how a man would. (too horny, stupid, violent, ect.) Its not a new way to analyze a story but I can’t say that it doesn’t annoy me. It could still be true that my characters/writing could fall into sexist/problematic archetypes, but gendering my work based on the way my characters act always reminds me of the “you draw like a girl/boy” comments, which used to be more frequent when i was a teen.. But the idea that boys = angular, good at cars! Or something and girls are, i dunno, gonna draw sexy anime men or something. Even as a teenager, i hated this idea that my art was “girl art.” Truthfully, i always viewed my art and myself as an artist as genderfluid, maybe even a type of drag performance, where i can explore any gender and not be limited by my body, it was my escape from that. Which naturally, it became my place to explore gender presentation and eventually helped me “crack my egg” of realizing i was a trans man.

I do think its important to reflect or regard my work as the art made by a trans man, or transmasculine person. I feel more and more just like “just a dude” these days. I am also a gay man. I think those things are important to my work. I think that the analysis of my work in regards to my identity as a person is important to reflect on. I also think the steps I took to get there were important, that transformation and my continued exploration of my older selves and more “label-less” self in the art i make. That’s a private space for me, that I happen to share with the world too. I feel the audience is part of my work too, I welcome it even. I have become part of the audience too and I look at my work as if I’m also a stranger. The older my work gets, the more of it I can study, the more I can see plainly how I got here and also it feels so confusing how it did. I try to study my art to help me find where I want to go to next, a map to guide me. 

In some ways, I feel more lost than I did before, where all my instinct was pushing me was just to grow and explore as much as possible. Now, I don’t have that same type of energy that I used to. Its not a bad thing, its just different. There’s a sense of duty and commitment and a sense of dread of the time it takes to do what I feel compelled to do on this step of my journey. I am trying to focus more on the things I used to think I was incapable of before and I’m trying to remember the things I used to think were so effortless. I can tell my art is sharper but it feels almost like a mimicry of my older selves - at least when I revisit old work to continue its journey past where its been frozen in time. Comics take a long time, after all, it's normal that after a few years - a story might be yours, but it feels like it belongs to the past of you too, maybe more than it does in the present. I like the commitment I have to my comics though, its not a burden to me. The feeling is strange anyway. 

I tend to think that 1-3 years of a project being made, those are the honeymoon years of the relationship. But you hit a wall in 4-5 years and sometimes you’re in denial about it, you try to keep the dreams and feeling alive as you drag it forward, and sometimes the project really reaches its end around 8-10 years and it becomes a type of empty promise to return to it. Not that this is true for every artist, every project, ect. But I think its a natural lifespan for comics that I’ve observed, and it's because it is uncomfortable to face morality and the morality of our own art. Art is this escape, and when it becomes a job - or an uncomfortable mirror into these things about ourselves, about our failures and promises we couldn’t manage to make, the pressures of the audience, the boredom of the task if you have already told yourself the story a thousand times and you have no longer a desire to continue it, ect - its a normal and natural feeling to want to drop it off a cliff. Blow it up, start over fresh - I know the feeling! Its happened many times. But its kind of temporary? Then, it cycles back to nostalgia - and the desire to create and recreate and reform the past to something tangible again.. uh

Sorry, sorry.. I am getting far from the point I started with. Not that any of this makes too much sense, I feel like writing it anyway. It bothers me that the fantasy of art to me, is the ability to dissolve yourself and stop existing, you are the creator creating. You don’t need to be confined by, really anything. It is in “your control” now, and you surrender your own control by falling into the art and letting it “lead you” places. This is a very seductive process and while it might temporarily be fulfilling (even when done for a lifetime) cannot really.. What.. completely fill the void of whatever you’re chasing down there? Its nice though. At least, when I think about when i first started drawing comics, it was to draw Vash the Stampede (from the original 98 anime series, i hate the new one. We’re not talking about there here) coming out of my television after a thunderstorm and he had to just live in my house now. It was the closest thing I could do to actually manifesting that as reality, of making this amazing anime husband come to life to just like live with me now and be my boyfriend. In a lot of ways I don’t see my pursuit of writing ocs, specifically male ones, really much different from this same desire of like “i can just make my perfect boyfriend!” born out of the loneliness I felt in my heart, and the fear that there is no boyfriend out there for me so i need to frankenstein my own - and this boyfriend will be poifect in every way. Or like, crafting the perfect “relationship” in replace the lack of one, or just the fantasy of watching very abstract extremes come to life in various puppets i crafted, beating the shit out of each other for entertainment. But to subject all these.. Abstract Internal conflicts as simply like a “boy author thing” or “girl author thing” is like.. Tiring. Are we really not past that? (Of course not.) 

Like there’s some hidden truth to the way someone might write/draw, the way that “makes sense” in retrospect once the identity of the author is analyzed and discovered.. How can you make sense of the self, let alone the other .. and In a way that’s permanent? And gendered? Does art now have an inherent sex characteristic? But I cannot deny that I do want my art to look and feel like part of who I am, what I have chosen to sexually identify as - a transgender, a man, a faggot. I DO identify as a sexual deviant, but that is hilarious because I have been single for so long at this point I can’t even remember in a tangible way what that felt like and I question if I ever felt it or experienced it “for realsies” because of the experiences I have had or havent didn’t feel very fulfilling or romantic, despite that being something I desire so much - and so I feel like a failure. And to create art just based on the fantasy of desire rather than the lived reality, can it even really display what that would actually be like. So its embarrassing, right? 

I have worked on my art a lot and I have often thought, or come to the conclusion (true or not) that my singleness is the result of my pursuit and dedication to art - which is the pursuit of self isolation and protection from harm. From influence, from acknowledging that life can exist and someday end. And when you work on projects for years and years, the pride/shame dichotomy only gets more.. Weird. It gets weird, guys! It always was weird, but.. I just think about so many my heroes, my art inspirations, working decades on their art.. I follow in their footsteps too and it feels scarier and lonelier than I expected it to be. And the more and more I realized that as a reality, as my 20s faded away, the more I kept walking. I wasn’t gonna stop now, even if I could, I don’t want to and its not hard to do other things too. I have a slower pace than I used to (thank god) and gets slower but I’m still moving. 

I don’t post or write my little art journals as much as I used to. Mostly cause I don’t really have anything good to say and it kinda feels embarrassing to post them too LOL. But.. whatever!! Its been a weird four months of me being off work and I’m about to go back to being a normal working person again.. But its like, its weird to tell people about your art when they ask about what you do. Its like “oh yeah, i draw webcomics” and they wont get it, you’ll say - “yeah its 8,000 pages long” and they’ll say, “thats a lot!” and it is. They’re very nice about it, but there’s a lack of satisfaction there with what that means. I don’t expect it, that’d be dumb as hell. Its nice to take a break from it too, to discover other sides of myself I never let shine because i stayed indoors for a decade, but its a weird feeling too. Like, what will it mean in the end? I don’t really know. 

I don’t think I need “success” to feel like this was worth it, its not like a trophy is gonna come in the mail for the good workTM I’ve done - there is no closure to the work I make even when a story finishes. I have to keep going regardless of that, and its strange to know it won’t ever feel done. But I am so thirsty for that temporary itch to be scratched, it keeps me working every day for the “maybe” of what that might feel like. Kinda silly, really. Is it my “male” pride that demands recognition? Would respect be given more freely if I had “remained” to be perceived as a woman, for subverting the expectations for what a woman can/can’t write? (lol) Is my value as a person determined by that sort of thing in my art? I don’t think of my pride as gendered, but I know its there and I know because of who I say I am, my pride will be gendered by others. I think when I was a woman, that pissed me off more than now because.. Well.. I wasn’t even living as the way i wanted to. I still don’t really live as the way I want to, the way I want to be perceived, but even being on HRT for a little more than 1 year, without much else lifestyle changes, I feel a little more at peace not mattering what others will take away from me or what i write about. I have a lot of my own expectations for myself and what i write about and that concerns me far more. 

I don’t really know how else to end this, I’m going to eat chocolate now. Oh, to answer your question (?) if you might have this one: can I think of you as a male artist, kosmic? sure. I am one after all.

[leslie057]

penbleed;

pairings: jonathan/nancy

rating: light teen (swearing + mild sex references)

word count: 2.4k (chapter 1)

read on ao3

@jancyweeks day 1: history - her diary as a personal history + a bonus history test incident

𝒩𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 16, 1984

—

𝑀𝓎 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒾𝓈 𝒽𝑜𝓌. Actually, how do you forget an exam? Actually. How did I forget? And it’s not even that I forgot, it’s that I never knew. I am still so mad but not as mad as I was. Genuinely have no clue why we were not given verbal reminders for that history test. That stupid little secret of a test, that fucking sub rosa fucking social experiment of a thing to see who looks at her minuscule writing under the date on the board every day! Just tell us. Need it. Out loud. This is crazy arrogant and borderline disgusting of me to say, but she doesn't have a better student than me and I deserved better. It was like a setup. Of course I was taking notes, of course I was listening, of course a lot of it was prior knowledge. It’s the history of America and I’m not an idiot. I just thought a test would be coming up after the break, not before.

I mean it’s all been worked out now, though. 

But it makes me upset, because where was my head? No, I know where it was, my head was here with me. I was simply using it for its escape function. Wild how my ears can be turned on, and my pen will be going and going and going in perfect time with the lesson, but mentally I’m reliving whatever I want to relive. Or don’t want to relive. I’ve been like this since last year. Stuck inside my skull and cannot climb out. Don’t wanna climb out because sometimes I need to be there, it’s nice in there. Sometimes not nice. I brought this up to Jonathan, he said yes he does understand. Shocker. The difference is he’s been in his head for the last sixteen years, and he doesn’t continually think all the awful things that I think. He’s good and decent and he’s sweet and he’s built a strange, adorable habitat up there for song lyrics and checklists and worries. He does so much in one day. I don’t love his work schedule. Working on Friday nights, God. Then at home he does, like, budgeting and reads their bills and shit? I wouldn’t have time to steep in hate for Mrs. Kincannon, either. (He doesn’t hate her. That’s me.) Not that he’s dealing with his trauma or whatever, our trauma, I don’t know, he isn’t. Still, because his many responsibilities burn up the majority of his mental energy, he doesn’t seem to follow the spirals I follow. At least not when the sun's out. He’s a dramatic pessimist, my dramatic pessimist, oh that was fun to write, but I would assume his internal voice has more of a filter mechanism than mine. Could be a self-preservation thing. 

Who knows. But, yeah, neurogymnastics. Neurogymnastics to get me through my day. Each week is a series of extreme highs and extreme lows, lows that I just administer my fantasies to until something new happens. It’s good in the moment. Later I realize that I’ve missed things, spaced out, fell short, and I get all guilty. I feel hypocritical. I’ve fought for my life, why am I not training myself to live it well again. I’m rushing through things because they’re hard. I want to be successful, and this is not the path to success. The pressure is off me and yet all over me. Maybe I shouldn’t care about school, knowing what I know about the flimsiness of this dimension’s edges. Sounds clinically insane. Not ever going to be sure what to do with the fact that I’ve seen a parallel plane, that I was really there. I wish I didn’t care about school. I do care less about it than I did freshman and sophomore year. My grades are forever important to me, but there’s currently a big disconnect between my habits and my academic goals. When I’m at school, I fantasize about it being over. When I’ve set aside time to work, I can’t get through it and I go to my boyfriend. Maybe I am a bad student. Right now. I am. Hard to care about history since I’ve got a lot I would rather focus on. So, right, there are a lot of coercive acts I could be learning about if my teacher calmed down and gave me free time to coerce him. Sorry. 

I cannot stop thinking about what I was able to 

How he knew about the test is beyond me. He’s missed more days, he’s had more distractions, he’s more susceptible to distractions, and to top everything off he’s on possession watch. You know, just making those frequent check-ins with Will. I don’t know what that would look like. I guess you just ask him how he’s feeling, try to gauge the honesty. I would never ever say this but it seems likely to me that Will is still being…communicated with. Accessed. Scary sounds in his ears or something. Sensations. It’s not like he’d say anything! He’s like this meek little mouse, he could actively be experiencing organ rupture and wouldn’t make a sound. This is terrible, but being at their house does scare me every now and then. In a ticking time bomb sort of way. Is their family not kind of cursed? Then I get kissed and forget where I am anyway, so nothing matters. No complaints overall, it is a very nice place for a slumber party. 

My reaction last night was the most embarrassing. How I went from zero to a hundred that fast, how we went from squeaky bed springs and my proposed hickey competition (hate that this is in writing now, but context needed—also I was in a competitive mood yesterday) (he was not) to me whining and crying and essentially hyperventilating because I didn’t understand why he would mention a test when we didn’t have a test. I hate my emotions being played with and all of that bullshit. For some reason I’ve always been on the receiving end of that haven’t I? With boys in our class. Middle school, junior high, that kind of timeframe. At one point I could have convinced myself I was being flirted with. It’s a no, because “all statements.” All pines are conifers, but not all conifers are pines. So all interested boys will tease, but not all the boys that tease are interested. They really were just that eager to let me know my body wasn’t up to par for our age bracket. Pal, are we not eleven and twelve. I cannot be Catwoman for you.

I’m told I’m pretty now, so I’ll count it as a win. 

Anyway, Jonathan was not playing with my emotions, and we did have a test. We did. When my panic set in, it was bad. The pressure was building up in my chest, I thought I was in danger of dry drowning. My GPA is literally the only thing I ever feel in control of. In my arms were two options, have an absolutely miserable fucking Thursday night or risk baby’s first F on her transcript. But then he just looked at me, calm as ever, and said, “Why can’t you ask for an extension? I want you to ask her for an extension, okay?” Which I should have come up with on my own. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that was like. Insane. Made everything feel lighter, light as a feather. He doesn’t do this for himself, but for me—he zooms out, he figures out a way to make things less daunting. He can be so positive when it's a problem of mine on the table instead of his, and I'm like who are you, I love you. I usually have no problem cheating systems, swinging things in a way that's better for me, but requesting an extension? My pride lies in academics, I'm aware of that, I don’t often ask for help there. Want to accomplish things without accommodations being made for me. Meanwhile, school stuff is some of the only stuff Jonathan is willing to seek out help with. He has to. He can't afford to not get help. Not like he can spend an entire evening on one little section of an assignment when he needs to be clocked in at work for five hours. In conclusion, he talks to our instructors more than our peers. I have to respect a teacher's pet.

So, I took his advice. However tricky extensions may be. Kincannon is also tricky. Her iron will and everything. You’re not gonna get one if you always ask. You’re not gonna get one if you haven’t already established yourself as a trustworthy kid. You’re not gonna get one for being an athlete. I wasn’t convinced of the plan at first since she dress coded my mid-thigh skirt last week and had to tell me, on a few occasions, to stop chatting with/distracting my boyfriend. Him being in the picture was so in my favor, though, because he seriously might be her favorite. Personally I wanna say it’s gross; it makes her feel good about herself to cosset sensitive, troubled teens that she wouldn’t give a shit about otherwise. Like, you’re not his mommy, but I’m way off topic. 

We got up incredibly early this morning. We made her a tiny consolation coffee with cream and cinnamon, pulled up at 6:25 I want to say it was? And the conversation was ace. He had messed up my hair a little to hint at a sleepless night, coached me on how to look pitiful when we were in the car. I really hope I didn’t mishear him mumble something about puppy eyes. He was very tired. I stayed as honest as possible, that’s what he wanted from me. I told her I was having a rough time, that grief keeps getting in my way of things. I talked to her about my selective hearing issue. I said I’m an oral learner, I needed verbal reminders, and I said school means so much to me. Hesitantly I pointed out that Jonathan and I are still getting used to our new relationship, and maybe if our assigned seats were adjacent I wouldn't have to get up to talk to him. She was slightly passive-aggressive, but she was understanding. Then I found out I would be testing Monday. New test, just for me. There was something so ridiculous and fun about sitting in class this morning, reading while everyone else suffered. After, I couldn’t stop apologizing to Jonathan for freaking out. He said I didn’t freak out, I reacted, and he suggested I go easier on myself. That distinction felt huge, really huge. 

Right now, I'm desperate to preserve that feeling of lightness, but I’m mad at myself and furious in general. In hindsight I should have savored being comforted a little more, but I was busy having half a meltdown. I’m sure I’ll get to hear one of those soft pep talks the next time something doesn’t go my way. I have so much studying to do, especially since my Special Nancy Test is all writing. I’ve got it, though. I’m fine. Angry but also happy and fine. This will never happen again. I won’t let it happen again.

—

“Uh oh,” Jonathan suddenly murmurs to himself on her bed. 

She swivels at her small desk, not fully ready to turn her attention away from her entry. “Hmm?”

“Sorry, no, you can keep writing.” 

“But why uh oh?”

There's his gentle huff, his eyes flicking upward in annoyance. He holds a necklace she'd tasked him with untangling using tweezers. Its old, delicate chain was in no less than six billion knots. Somehow he’s the only one in the world who has the patience for this. She sure as hell doesn't have the patience for it. "I'm scared I'm about to break it." 

“Break it? Please don’t Jonathan,” she begs on impulse.

“It’s just really far gone. I’m trying.”

And he is. He’s been sitting quietly for as long as she’s been writing. So—long time. She sort of forgot about him over there. “Sorry, I know, I know you are," she says.

He’s silent. 

“You’ve been cleaning up a lot of my messes lately, huh?”

She flips over her journal, nudges it away from the table’s edge, and approaches him. From her desk she couldn’t see the glow of afternoon sunlight streaming onto her quilt. Very pretty. Her personal jewelry surgeon sits there in the middle, equally pretty, possibly feeling neglected. He’s gone the full nine yards here. Pushed up his sweater sleeves, swiped her reading glasses, set out a few safety pins and needles as his supplementary tools. He looks sleepy, the brown of his eyes lighter in the path of the sun. 

Her arms are behind her back until they’re not, and she crawls on top of him. He absently places the necklace on her flattest throw pillow. 

“I said you’re fixing a lot of my messes.”

“I mean…not really.” He’s blushing already, hands awkwardly grasping for purchase at her hips so that he won't get pressed back too hard into the poles of her bed frame's headboard. “If I am, I don’t mind.”

Her lips cushion against this little spot on his jaw that’s so sensitive it kills him, sucking carefully. The action might have the same effect on her that it does him; her heart jumps, swings wide, threatens to capsize in the wet of her chest. It’s that familiar adrenaline response, the uncontrollable energy spike she always gets alongside the realization of oh, we’re touching! She sighs into his skin, and he shudders, a pathetic sound of bliss escaping his throat.

“Okay, well don't start drooling,” she quips. Kisses his pulse point, spittily.

He mumbles something unintelligible, so she keeps on keeping on, shifting her weight back and forth, trying to make the most of the time they have and get some good play in while she can. She’ll have to kick him out soon. She’ll have to study in complete isolation. She dips back, and he follows, she leans forward, and he pulls her closer. “Said I need an extension,” he manages, repeating what she didn’t catch.

“What?”

“If you’re gonna do all this, I need an extension on my necklace project.”

Well, that is definitely going in the diary. 

[gummybugg]

🎶Stuck in an ADHD Rut🎷🪲

Howdy! If this applies to you, let's see if we can get you out of there!

From what I have learned, the little ADHD brain creature craves happy chemicals. What usually gives us those? A sense of completion and satisfaction with our work! But those with ADHD lack a sufficient amount of baseline happy chemicals, which means it's harder for us to want to get things done! 

If the reward at the end of a task doesn't give your brain enough happy chemicals, you're more likely to procrastinate!

So what are we going to do to get unstuck? If unmedicated or without therapy, it can be very difficult to work around the ADHD rut! But I can share some things that have helped me in the past.

Of course, everything I mention will not help 100%, because everyone's brains are complex and this is anecdotal!

If you are able to, find a window of time that is easiest for you to work at! I typically do my best work in the evening or at night. This isn't always the best solution, as working around a schedule is not always easy.

Crank the stimulus up to 10 if you're feeling under-stimulated/bored! Louder music, brighter lights, drink something warm... Even stretching can get the blood pumping because now you got all the bone crunches out of your system! Are you there, Brain? It's me, Bug!

When I can remember, I create a Very Detailed to-do list. But I also know that people with ADHD are notoriously bad at keeping track of lists! I tell myself, "First, write a bullet list of ideas. Second, cherry-pick what you like. Third, write the thesis/main idea. Fourth, write ONE paragraph…" This works more so for writing essays or an entire draft! For some reason, breaking down every single step makes it slightly more manageable for me. 

I have heard of people who stop writing right before an interesting part and take a break! Perhaps the thrill of wanting to finish up that good part is what makes people want to jump back in. 

This goes against the previous points, but sometimes writing the most interesting pieces of my stories first (as opposed to writing linearly) helps more! The burst of energy I get when reading back on these pieces drives me to continue writing! I remember how excited I was when I wrote it all down, and it makes me think that past Me was definitely onto something!

To sum up, the ADHD brain is a fussy child who needs to be constantly reminded how to get things done. The more you get angry at it, the harder it is to cooperate with it! But, that is easier said than done. No one said that gentle parenting your brain was easy.

If you made it this far, then kudos to you because writing this was a miniature hurdle of its own! And If it seems scattered, I am well aware!

[stylesispunk]

My fave 2024 things (my work)

(yes, i love you, jo march)

thank you to the lovely @greenwitchfromthewoods for giving me the strength to do this

Okay. Where do I start? I've always been so insecure when it comes to the things I do for passion, love or hobby. I've always felt i'm not good enough or that I will never reach the levels of greatness I would love to taste.

Since I was a little kid I was in love with art in all its expressions. My first love in life was theater. I spent my whole childhood acting on plays and stuff that made me happy (actually my favorite memory of life has to do with a particular one) I remember my teacher and I loved how she made me love expressing things through art and I learnt drawing and painting, I was so good at that and I still do it but not with the same frequency and what can I say about stories? Writing was my refuge every time i didn't know what to say. I always tried to write plays and poems, but then came the first enemy, puberty hit and I became insecure about everything because I wasn't good in maths and people say that i wouldn't be anyone in the world because of that.

Still I kept finding ways to express myself through essays and articles and I always felt proud of myself because I got perfect grades doing that stuff. I loved how passionate I became about politics and history and about learning english. I wanted to be a journalist so bad but for some reason I couldn't persuade that dream (but i'm trying).

And narrating stories is still a foreign field for me because It's not the type of writing I tend to do but i've been trying my best to improve and practice and i feel a bit proud for taking my time in this. Writing is actually my weakest skill in English ( I got 6.5 on that skill when i took the ielts test) but those are things you shouldn't know

Well now. Thank you to all who have taken their time to read my stories and for being so nice and attentive to it. For every feedback and word that reminds me of how beautiful it is to connect with people. Sometimes i don't even know how to handle it. ♥️💌 ps, sorry if my english looks like ai for you 😶‍🌫️.

-> my favorite jobs from this year 💌

✨ Joel miller

You're the loss of my life: This one? My biggest baby. I love how I was able to put the feelings on here. The idea came from me listening to loml by taylor swift (my personal friend) on loop. I just felt like it was so easy to involve myself in this story and write two characters that lose themselves in a world they weren't ready to face and how we tend to keep loving people that hurt us because memories made us think of them as good.

Did the love affair maim you too?: same thing, love is so weird sometimes. I'm a person who took her time to open up to someone because i've been hurt in the past by this one made me feel things while writing it.

Never leave, never mind: I know it's not the same but losing my granpa was the most painful thing for me and this one helped me a lot to accept that he won't come back but I have 24 years of my life with him and that's beautiful. ( I lost the link this one 💀)

✨ Marcus Acacius:

Hands in the hair of someone's name marcus: I feel really proud of this one because I feel the writing felt so genuine for me while I was working on it, no doubt, only inspo and a lot of help from the internet to have some facts right. Besides my love for the Roman empire came back.

i don't know who to tag here because i'm shy but I am always trying to show support to writers on here. Your stories are amazing and worth each minute a person can spend reading them.

I hope to see a lot of you on here and keep writing because you're talented people who deserve all the love and respect ♥️♥️

YOU ARE AMAZING I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL ON MY TL DURING 2025 ✨

[crazylittlejester]

bro. i am in the same boat as you.

asfhdjkss seeing you stress and become disappointed about whumptober is making ME FEEL THE SAME......

feeling upset about your writing and all the prompts not being correctly put down into words can be very hard and complicated!! i get it!!!

it's totally normal to feel that way and i assure you, it's okay!

just know that, even if it is your own decision, you don't have to feel obligated to do all 32 days. that's a bunch of work for someone and a whole lot of planning and writing and that can effect someone's energy and mental health. i appreciate your effort in trying to do it though! but please, don't get worried about producing so many mediocre fics, at the end of the day you're still writing things and im proud!!!

i saw your post about this and immediately felt bad so i hope this can help you feel even a little better... even so, i will be looking forward to anything you end up writing! you are such a fantastic author, never forget that. <3

thanks man 🫶 /gen

i have really been struggling a lot lately with this, and it’s been very hard to not get angry with myself over it because I feel like I haven’t been able to write in months and I’ve been struggling with hating most of what I write these days and I get so incredibly anxious to post anything because I feel like my ability to write and the quality of my fics has deteriorated sooo much. I’ve had my ao3 acc since 2018 and every year I’ve kinda made a tradition almost of orphaning everything I write and starting fresh at the start of the new year because I dislike the vast majority of what I write but I realized a few months ago that I don’t think I can do that this year- this is certainly the most attention my fics have ever gotten and I think at least one person would come yell at me in my asks if i disappeared off the face of the earth never to write for LU again allddkkd

its just very hard not to feel upset about being burnt out for so many months, and it’s hard to see how engagement has been down and have to remind myself it’s not because i suck, it’s literally just because i’ve been making less content. of course engagement would be down, the main reason most people interact with me is BECAUSE I write or do analysis posts or make content, so if im not putting out as much as i used to then that tracks and makes sense, but it’s hard to stop the intrusive thoughts sometimes. It is certainly a fight to not feel useless when I can’t do the one thing I’m supposed to be doing with this blog

anyways… it makes me really happy that there are at least a few people who will read whatever i throw up onto ao3, and all of you who regularly read the things i write and send me asks n such genuinely make me so happy. all of you are awesome

and thank you for this, it was really kind and sweet of you. i hope you have a good day, remember to take care of yourself and get some water n food 🫶

*wet cough* anyway *sniffle* y’all wanna see my tav…? /j *kicks a rock*

[angelpink610]

Shadow Work is NOT meant to be easy or comforting;

Guess it’s about time that we talk about this!

This is a reminder to myself and to anyone that might need it—the ones who feel like it’s only bringing them down, that it’s making them feel miserable or bad. Let’s clear up some things.

Feeling down in the moment is the best sign you can receive that IT IS WORKING! Shadow Work is the courage to look at the parts of yourself you despise the most, you fear the most, you are embarrassed of the most. It’s not simply acknowledging that bad things happened to you, it’s experiencing them all over again but now straightening up your back and looking right to its face.

I, myself, also am someone that's still learning about it and have been experiencing hard times throughout it. Sometimes I feel unmotivated and down, also lately I had noticed my sleep was a bit more inconsistent and I have big dark circles. Well, I know that saying this is probably going to scare some people even more away—and I understand the unsettling feelings! But the way that I see it, it’s like anything great in life: takes time, heavy work and some sacrifices.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sacrificing my entire life because of it. I workout every single day, keep my mind active, go to university, all normal. But some minor sacrifices are the price we pay for lifelong healing. My personal experience’s greatest example of sacrifice is how much emotional energy it actually takes from you. I swear on my word that sometimes when I look at the notebook I use as my Shadow Work journal, I instantly feel kind of “off vibes”, like the energy that it has is unsettling—but, here’s the thing: it is!

The energy that it requires to heal your deepest traumas, pains, griefs, obviously wouldn’t be super light and nice. Your words carry the pain you felt, some that you still feel, the heaviness of its result on your life (maybe years, decades of constant suffering, even); it’s pretty obvious that the notebook that carries them wasn’t gonna be all warm and fuzzy.

It’s not easy, guys. And I know that, at this point, you might’ve already realized that, but I want to remember us all of something: it’s in adversity that we are able to grow. You are capable of living through this healing process, you are capable of surviving the dark before the light, you are capable of facing your monsters and returning with their heads on a stick. But you HAVE TO BELIEVE IT.

Live through the suffering stage of the process like the champion you already know you are. Don’t give up when you suddenly burst into tears during a meditation session where you talked to your younger self. Persist when you have to stop and take deep breaths at every few sentences you write when you are journaling about a traumatic event because it feels like it’s too much. Hold onto it tighter when you live all over again the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

One last time: I’m not saying it’s easy or simple (in reality, those may be some of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do through your entire life, perhaps). But I do mean it when I say you’ll understand why you had to go through all that once you reach the light on the other side, and your scars will be the forever reminder THAT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

The same way a lot of kids are not scared of/don’t see evil in certain horror imageries until they are told that it is scary and choose to follow that thought—we should learn from them as adults and finally understand: monsters are only monsters when we give them the power to haunt us.

[the-s1lly-corner]

I very much loved what you wrote for my ask makes me happy in my tummy.

Here's another ask hope it's not a lot for you how about a reader who's looks like those circus carousel horses, Being all pretty and sparkly with the TADC crew or just caine if you want light work!

♡Sleep well♡

U(•ㅅ•)U

TADC cast x reader who is a carousel horse!

that post sillyness (meltdown) slump is really hitting, but i feel bad for not answering requests yesterday... think i might answer one or two today, and perhaps write some stuff for myself in between doing the stuff i need to get done today apolocheese if this is a little shorter than usual </3 admin is still a lil WAAAAAAA and theyre on a time crunch (writing on computer today, but it needs to restart soon for an update)

CAINE:

oh i just know hes going to be going crazy over this, its not often that you get circus themed members around in the digital circus, so hes so hyped to have someone who can at least somewhat fit into that (admin must admit, they know next to nothing about carousels). probably makes themed IHA based around you and your whole thing; whatever that might mean... if youre shiny and/or reflective i just know hes going to pretend to check himself out in your reflections, does it usually to get a laugh out of you if youre having a bad day. gives you loads of new accessories and such

POMNI:

very shiny very pretty. i think pomni would like shiny things, but that might be self projection. kind of looks at you with that huge eyed look she got when she saw her door and/or her reflection in the pilot. looks but doesnt touch because she doesnt want to breach any boundaries. you can easily carry her, probably. shes tiny... though you will have to ask her and warn her before you just decide to pick her up since i dont think she would be cool with you just treating her like some house cat (snorts). subconsciously messes with your hair/mane when you two are hugging/snuggling each other

RAGATHA:

makes her own accessories to give to you. she thinks youre really pretty! very well crafted stuff, me thinks. offers to do your hair and tail (if you have one) every now and then! perhaps even offers to polish you up in hard to reach spots such as your back! generally very nice and lets you know that she thinks youre pretty... bonus if you have some sort of music ambience that plays around you most of the time that tends to reflect your mood, she ends up using that as a little indicator of how youre feeling.... perhaps you two slow dance together to one of your songs.... ponders

JAX:

originally i was going to say he jokes about wanting to ride you but then i realized how that sounded and i am not about that life (i say as i still put it in the post because it aint that serious) but you know, because youre a horse? but also while i was writing caines part, i mention that he checks his reflection if youre... well reflective... i feel like jax would do the same thing, but be more obnoxious about it... like im talking hes fully leaning into it, cleaning the gaps in between his teeth, slicking his ears back. the works, you know? probably snags your ribbons and such every now and then so youre forced to talk to him, he thinks its funny even if its kind of a dick move, but its.. jax, are we really surprised?

KINGER:

similar to pomni i can kind of see kinger also liking shiny stuff but i think this time its just the admin self projecting. probably collects little trinkets he finds that remind him of you and gifts them to you. pretty combs, ribbons, rocks, ect. i think its sweet, basically saying "hey, i thought about you!" you know? sometimes you let him stroke your hair when hes stressed out, works like a charm. revisiting the musical ambience idea, you tend to play the general music that plays during carousel rides, but every now and then it turns into a softer and calmer tune, and that does wonders for kinger after a long and hard day... shrugs

ZOOBLE:

as mean as it sounds you are kind of the opposite of the things like find interest in, since admin hcs that zooble is into the macabre and spooky, you know? but thats not to say that they dont like you! quite the contrary, actually! they have an understanding that you didnt choose this body.. thinks... ooo imagine how funny it would be if youre this really pretty horse with pretty music but you share the same interests as them... i dont now i always liked that trope. cute/innocent character being into scary stuff, intimidating/unconventionally cute character being into sweet and cute stuff.. thinks... sometimes helps you style yourself if youre interested in a new look

GANGLE:

also thinks youre very pretty! probably has made drawings of you and gifted them to you! sometimes redoes the ribbons you wear in your hair and as accessories. very good at making bows and such! might even sometimes help you with your makeup, if you wear any + if its able to be taken off... since, you know... digital bodies and stuff... hmm.. not many thoughts for gangle, at least not any unique ones that havent been said already in general/in this post... apologies gangle nation admin just struggles to write her

[miguelswifey04]

Hi Angel, maybe this is a weird request, but could you read something with Miguel x Reader angst, fluff? I kinda need some comfort right now because I just went to the doctors and I have some pretty bad health issues apparently regarding a disease and I kinda need some comfort as I have no one around me write only if you want to.

💜💜💜💜💜

awwwe i’m so sorry about that but remember you can talk to me if you’d like <33 you’re not alone!! you’re loved and you are appreciated !!

miguel o’hara x gn! reader

cw: angst/fluff & comfort

summary: there’s been some tensions between you and miguel in the relationship. you feel as if you’re not good enough for him anymore..but miguel tries to make you see that it isn’t true, will you listen to him or give up?

the tension between miguel and you had been growing steadily over the past few weeks, and neither of you could ignore it any longer. it felt like there was an invisible wall separating you, and it was taking a toll on your relationship.

one evening, as the sun began to set, miguel found the courage to address the mounting distance between the both of you. he approached you, his voice filled with both frustration and longing. “we can't keep ignoring this, love. we’ve been drifting apart, and it hurts. i miss the connection we used to have, the way we understood each other without words.”

your eyes filled with tears as you nodded, unable to find the words to express the pain you felt. you had noticed the growing distance too, but didn't know how to bridge the gap. “i don't want to lose what we have, miguel. i love you, and it hurts to see us drifting apart. i miss us.”

miguel came closer as he sat right next to you, pulling you close to his body. “i love you too, with all my heart. we can't let this divide consume us. we need to be honest with each other, to confront these emotions head-on. i want to understand what's been bothering you, what's been pulling us apart.”

you took a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest. you hadn't fully realized it yourselves, but as you spoke, the words poured out, a mixture of fear, frustration, and vulnerability. “sometimes, miguel, i feel like i’m not enough for you. the insecurities eat at me, whispering doubts that i can't silence. i see you, with your brilliance and strength, and i wonder if i can ever compare. i’m scared of losing you, scared that i’ll never be enough.”

miguel's heart ached at the raw honesty in your words. he reached out, gently cradling your face, wiping away your tears. “you are more than enough, my love. you are everything to me. your presence in my life brings light and joy, and i wouldn't trade that for anything. these insecurities, they're lies that your mind tells you. i am here to remind you of your worth, to show you just how much you mean to me.”

you leaned into miguel’s touch, your soul craving the assurance he offered. miguel pressed his forehead against yours, his voice filled with tenderness and determination. “let's promise each other, right now, that we won't let these doubts consume us. we’ll work through them together, supporting and loving each other through the challenges. i don't want to lose you, my love. i want us to fight for this, for us.”

your tears turned from ones of sadness to ones of relief and hope. you nodded, feeling the weight of your shared commitment and knowing that you were not alone in your struggles. “i promise, miguel. i’ll fight for us too. i’ll trust in your love and believe in myself. together, we can overcome anything.”and in that moment, you held each other tightly, finding solace in your shared vulnerability. you knew that your journey would still have its ups and downs, but armed with love and a renewed understanding, you were ready to face it all - together.

tags 🏷️!! @emiemiemiii @sabcandoit @astro1bloom @meeom @obi-mom-kenobi @kairiscorner

[horsegirlwarcrimes]

bury's tips to ACTUALLY combat writer's block

a lot of the time when you hear writers talk about writers block and what you can do to fight it, the advice that you hear is 'just write'

i took this to be true for a long time, and it's not the worst advice or whatever. at the end of the day anything you want to get done w writing does need to be solved by simply writing. but it took me until i was writing much more regularly to realize that actually thats nonsense

there are totally things you can do to help w writers block! ive been experiencing a bout of it recently, so i thought id share some tips partially to help out those who might read this, and partially to help myself out of that same slump

FEEDING THE MACHINE. in my experience, a lot of the time writers block is less of a blockage getting in the way of a flow of creativity and more like a machine running out of fuel. thoughts, ideas, and emotions CAN come from nowhere, but... usually they are coming from somewhere! i get my worst writers block when i am bored, under-stimulated, or stuck in my real life. try getting out into the world and doing something you don't usually do. this can be wild and exciting, or small and plain. take a different route home than usual, go for a drive somewhere cool, take yourself to a garden, bookstore, museum. if you're stuck at home try a new hobby; draw a weird picture, bake something, bird watch. this is really my top advice for myself at least, and something i have to remind myself when im despairing my own worth and dedication as a writer. you cant pour from an empty cup! you cant make something out of nothing! theres no point scraping yourself dry without trying to fill yourself back up.

FEEDING THE MACHINE... DIFFERENTLY. same principal applies here, but with what stories you are consuming. what actually got me to start writing and posting fic regularly was starting work in publishing that meant i was reading 1-2 books/manuscripts every day. they were often outside my usual reading genres, and sometimes i genuinely hated them... but they were food for the machine. the brain doesn't care if you like books about cows, the brain cares about variety and expanding its horizons. read something new and interesting! try a classic. try getting into queer classics you've never heard of if you're tired of old white men. read a murder mystery or a biography of a cool person or the history of the romance novel or frued's melancholia. try that new fantasy novel youve heard good things about. even if you only end up reading three chapters, thats still something new youre giving your brain. documentaries are also great for this if you're not feeling a new book; sit back and learn something.

CLEAN UP YOUR ENCLOSURE. humans feel yucky when we're in a yucky environment. cleaning is often exhausting and annoying and it sucks, but so is sitting in an environment that makes you feel bad. try clearing off your desk or table. set something nice you like nearby! choose a sunny spot to work in.

TALK YOUR IDEAS OUT. i really struggle with this one, because i dont like bothering people and im really embarrassed about my ideas, especially in the planning stage. it can really help though! try talking to yourself in the shower like you're being interviewed about your work. try going on some chat site, find a stranger to talk to, and infodump until they leave (or stay and you've made a new friend!). ask around for someone who wants to chat ideas; you can share yours, they can share theirs. if you have a loved one who would listen, ask if they would sit down for 45 minutes and let you talk.

LIMIT DISTRACTIONS. this one also sucks but yknow. turn on forest: stay focused. close discord. ask your dog politely to stop barking. get off tumblr and stop writing advice posts about writers block. turn on some ambient music and rain noises or chappell roan's red wine supernova on loop.

may add to this later as i think of others, but the point here is that writer's block isn't laziness and, even if you do in the end just need to write, there are ways to uplift yourself and make doing so more pleasant. these also dont fully apply to what i think the actual cause is of what we often call 'writer's block,' which is just exhaustion and lack of free time; i wouldn't consider that in itself writer's block. these tips are more for when you have that time, or you're making it, but you just cant seem to make it happen.

[trxppedmind]

This will probably cause some hate, but:

You aren't always the victim just because you are mentally ill.

You try to get better? I am proud of you, keep going, i don't adress you here because people who actively try to get better for the people around them are trying, and you can be proud at yourself for that.

But people who just say "i'm sorry its the mental illness!" and expect their friends/partners/familymembers to forgive them aren't.

It is okay to say "Hey, i'm really sorry, i didn't meant to at all. I wasn't myself." Because it often actually is the reason for our behaviour. But to say that, you HAVE to actually try and get better in my eyes.

I do NOT demonise mental illnesses.

But I am aware of what damage it can cause, and that there is no way around but pointing things out.

I did mistakes before, and I also needed time to realise that it was quite often actually my fault, that i need to work on myself to get better and i just know some of you are triggered at this point.

But sometimes that is needed to understand yourself. To understand your mistakes.

It is not okay to say "it's not my fault! I'm mentally ill! I can't help it!"

I know its easier to say that, but, if you continue to do that you are not only (accidently) hurting others but also yourself.

Also, it is not fair that there are healthy people saying "they all are the same." Because we're not.

Every one of us, no matter wich mental illness, is different.

Every one of us deserve a chance just like every other human.

Let me point out again: Its not your fault for being mentally ill and/or traumatised, but it is indeed your responsibility.

A little reminder: there are many healthy people who also hurt their partners, sometimes fully aware of their actions.

You are not your diagnose. (Greetings to my therapist.)

LASTLY: a mental illness doesn't mean your love is bad! You can love, you deserve love, you are still a good person.

That's it, take care of yourself <3

I felt the need to write this down since i am sick of people judging others because of their disorder, also I am sick of people who use their disorder as a sort of excuse.

[jolalibrary]

Hey there, I truly admire your openness about your anxiety, and I was wondering if you could offer any tips or techniques that have helped you, especially in the context of being active on this platform. Love your work!

tw: anxiety

hi anon! thank you so much, that's really nice of you. i deffo think i could be more open about it, but it's nice that I've been able to be open enough for you to reach out. i'm sorry it took me a day or two to get back to you, i just wanted to make sure i thought up/over things so i was being as helpful as possible! it's important for me to stress that my situation and my anxiety isn't going to be like everyone else's, and how i cope with it isn't like the "go to". but here are some things that help me (i am not claiming that any of these i came up):

creating a rainy day folder: bad days are a thing for everyone, but i know what things put me in a "stormier" frame of mind, and what i'm critical about. so, when things make me smile (comments, nice reblogs, tags, inbox, dms) i screenshot them and pop them in this folder. and when i need an extra boost (or some proof to fire back at my brain that it's wrong) i spend a bit of time in there. as it's me, it's highly organised HA! but, it deffo helps having the folder, and its reminded me, at times, why i love what i do here.

celebrate with cake: i'm a high-functioning person, who has super low self-esteem. for a good portion of my life (an embarrassingly large portion, honestly) good accomplishments were not celebrated. so, now i make a point to celebrate certain things with food (or books, if I'm reading a lot). one thing I've learnt with my anxiety is that it's easy to get into a cycle, and one way of breaking this is to stop and take the time to realise the milestones I've accomplished or how far I've come. just the other day, i took a walk to the shop and grabbed myself a chocolate bar. a year ago, i wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that by myself. and it's important to recognise those achievements when you've had a hard time. i also recommend everyone gets themselves cake when they finish a series (it's the rules, i swear).

learn about yourself: i'm going to be brutally honest and hope this doesn't bite me on the arse, but there are a lot of times i don't really like myself? i don't see the value i offer, i feel like i let people down, etc etc. it used to be worse, and one of the ways that helped me go from every day i didn't like myself to occasionally disliked myself, is by educating myself on me. I've spent a lot of time making myself small to fit in, I've done things others are into so i fit in to the point i wasn't sure who i was. so, when i had a menty-b (the name i call it), i sat with myself and learnt what i liked. music. movies. clothing. passions. hobbies. i have always written, but i wasn't necessarily writing things i loved. so, i changed it. i dated myself (a term lots of people use). i told my husband i was going to spend Friday nights with myself, and i did something i wanted to do. on my own. and in time, that helped with my anxious feelings and my fears about being online. because i spend a lot of time worrying about what people think, but by dating myself i could learn nice things about me - and that way, had things i could tell myself i knew were true: that i'm actually very nice, kind and really funny. it might not making pressing 'post" easier, but i can hold my chin a little higher?

set yourself a goal of happiness: we're all motivated by different things. sometimes, we make a mental goal to ourselves and it becomes blurred and distorted in numbers. but, if your anxiety (like mine) likes to have a thing to measure itself against, choose something that isn't numbers based, but happiness based. did someone tell you this month that your writing/art/gifs made their day? did something you say make them feel better? it's hard, it really is, and i know there will be people reading this and scoffing, but truthfully, one person telling me something i wrote made their day is all a jo really fucking wants. because i'm going to write regardless, it's a choice i make to share it. so, while i gave examples above, that isn't my current goal, but it was a goal i had, and as long as i try to remind myself of that it helps.

which leads me into, try to stay away from the numbers game which i know is hard. but it does nothing for an anxious mind. like, it's a fickle thing. moods change. don't base your worth on a number, you matter far more than it.

accept it's a part of you: this one is more about me, but since you're asking me i thought this is probably allowed. i have a long-term anxiety disorder - which took a long time to get diagnosed - and i have some other little... things that come with that. and for a long time, i felt broken. but, i was reading a self-help book (because your girl loves reading books about brains) and i realised that i have anxiety. it is already part of me. so i need to work with it. anxiety isn\t nice, it's not kind and it's really annoying. but it also makes me empathetic, it makes me care about the work i do (both here and in my day to day life), or makes me compassionate. whether you have it short term or long term, sometimes it's better to accept it's there, acknowledge it, but DON'T FEED IT. have the worries, and then halt them, tell them no. I've found fighting it before I've got the strength doesn't help me. but, waking up, knowing it's there, nodding at it helps keep it in check. this might not make any sense, but, you know.

and finally, the one i'm still working on is: i cannot fix everything and this is fun, so i need to ensure it stays that way for me. which i know isn't really a tip. but it's a good thing to remember. i am one person, it is not on me to check on every single person. it isn't on me to read every single thing. i don't have to engage with things i don't agree with, i don't have to say all my opinions. i can change fandoms. i can not post for a day/week/month. and all i have to do, if i want to, is offer my absolute best. that's it. it's hard. and it's tough to swallow. but sometimes, a jo just needs to be jo.

i am not sure if my rambling has been helpful, but i thought i could list these: plot your fic, find a buddy to talk about things with, surround yourself with good people. but I've said all of these. but the above are things i can do by myself. they are things i can control. and with anxiety, we're all just looking for the things we can manage, and so i based the list in that way. thank you for coming to my jo-talk, i'm going to go hide from being so vulnerable.

[ygodmyy20]

I am reminded yet again that self care takes work. Self care means doing things that you know will help even if you think it won't, self care means that you have to be selfish even if it burdens a coworker and makes you sometimes feel worse.

Not true for everyone. Self care is diff for each of us. But for a people-pleaser like me who never says no, this is something I always need to be reminded of.

I dropped a lot of my anxiety-reducing activities due to wedding and work. And money. Because all I can seem to do is that and then my creative work (which costs nothing to do! haha). I think I may need to pause on my drawing and writing and find some re-balance....

My ED has been so bad lately, primarily due to the fact that I am trying on the most expensive piece of clothing I will ever own. I am thanking any god, or universe or whatever out there my sister and my mom were able to be with me this weekend, because I would be even more of a mess if they were not. But the sucky think about my ED is that it may go down but it is like a cloud that never leaves. It may even be closer to OCD than ED as it is fear based (I work within the mental health space) as I fear my dress won't fit, I fear eating dinner, i fear not working out. The fear makes my chest so tight its like there are rubber bands in my lungs.

With work i fear failure, so I work more, work longer hours, work through lunch. I know this slippery slope I have been here before.

When I really take a moment and THINK i realize, I gotta give myself something back. I have to figure out what it is.

[autisticandroids]

@pingnova replied to this post:

One of the things I like the most about your interpretations of spn and destiel is that they're both "bad people" and that's interesting. I was explaining to a friend how I loved some comedies bc all of the characters are "bad people" so when the slapstick and pettiness happens back and forth I can just laugh at all of them. it goes further for me (all humans are flawed and probably seem irredeemable and disgusting to someone else, no matter what). but I have never…

…been into interpretation that relies on characters being "right" or essentially perfect and sinless. I find drama between sinless characters utterly boring and contrived. I like characters that are messy and human. its a good reminder for me about myself and makes entertaining stories. sometimes when i talk about a character friends mistake me for criticizing them because I talk about their flaws. nah, I think it's great they're assholes. they're fictional, the only..

...place I want to deal w assholes in my life. stories are just complex bad people getting tangled with other complex bad people. my fave spn character outside cas is Meg, to the shock of many. I have given up explaining it to most people lol. "but she's bad!" yeah ok I thought it was hot? and kind of funny. I don't feel like explaining rn. 😅

oh thank you! this is something i always put a lot of thought into. like, one of the things that frustrates me about fandoms generally is i think the rough edges tend to get sanded off characters. like, some characters are vilified, yes, but that happens as a result of other characters getting herofied. like, if characters we're meant to like and root for can't be mean and self-serving and destructive, then to create conflict, one must invent flat, cartoonish villains to pit them against.

actually, as a sidenote, i was talking to @spriteofmushrooms on the phone the other day and trying to come up with a working definition of "darkfic" and we ended up deciding that it seems to mean "fic where characters are allowed to have unacceptable desires and motivations." and that's not exactly what it is, darkfic is hard to pin down, and it has some stylistic and genre conventions that are its own. for example, the first church at the end of the world by @withbloodstainedclothingon is a fic i love, and a really vicious and uncomfortable and vicious character study on both dean and cas (but especially dean). it is also unabashedly darkfic, and the reason it expresses the things it wants to express about cas through cas running like a misogynistic cannibalism sex cult is because one of the conventions of darkfic is a kind of aggressive edginess. that isn't a criticism, it's just saying that had the fic been working in a different genre, the author might have chosen a different method. or another example, my fic i fold in half so easily and @twoheadedcas' fic samson went back to bed are both kind of similar in various ways. they're both attempts to take late seasons canon seriously, attempts to reconcile with the position cas is in re: dean and jack in the late seasons, and attempts to put cas through a meat grinder. and they're both, i would say, darkfic. i know for a fact i didn't really start out with ifihse intending to write darkfic, and while melanie (hiiiii) might correct me here, there's a good chance they didn't either while writing swbtb. these are just the places one is naturally led to when engaging with the late seasons seriously. but there's a big difference between ifihse and swbtb in terms of: i am, on the balance, a darkfic writer. a lot of my fic is out and out darkfic, and even when it's not it tends to contain darkfic stylistic habits. @twoheadedcas has written a bit of darkfic in their tenure, but on the balance, they mostly write non-darkfic. so if you compare ifihse to swbtb, despite their tonal similarities, and despite the fact that both were written (in my opinion) primarily as pure reactions to canon, ifihse has some of the hallmarks of being a darkfic (in particular the emphasis on cas' erotic pleasure and his discomfort/ambivalence about it; darkfic tends to be even smuttier than normal fanfics and that smut tends to be both kinkier and more inclined to play with the lines of emotional comfort and consent), while swbtb has some of the hallmarks of being a non-darkfic (the best example is dean and cas sharing a sweet almost kiss in the middle, which is absolutely a classic destiel fic thing). this is actually one of my favorite things about samson went back to bed: in darkfic that is written to be darkfic, no matter how seriously and genuinely it engages with canon and the characters, there will always be the feeling that there is a finger on the scale, tilting characters to be just a little nastier, grosser, more evil. but non-darkfic is usually skewed the other way: the characters are skewed to be more comfortable and palatable. by aligning itself with non-darkfic, samson went back to bed legitimizes the dark interpretation of canon it presents by saying "i am not skewing things to be worse. i might even be skewing things to be better. and yet we're still here." which i think is cool.

but that's kind of the crux of the thing, isn't it? most darkfic is just a twisted mirror of most non-darkfic. instead of flattening characters to be better than they are, making them paragons of virtue, it flattens them to be worse than they are, making them cartoon villains. obviously, this isn't true of all darkfic, i am a great enjoyer of darkfic and frequently write it myself. there's plenty of good darkfic out there. but if sturgeon's law applies double to fanfic, it applies triple to darkfic. and i think it's because there is this inability, in fandom, to imagine that these beloved characters could be bad people. which means that non-darkfic tends to portray them as flat heroic figures. but it also means that darkfic tends to start from the premise "haha what if (character) was EVIL" rather than recognizing the ways they already kind of are (and the ways in which they are good, as well). both non-darkfic and darkfic frequently hold this black and white mindset, it's just a lot clearer in darkfic because darkfic always sets out to engage with darkness, whereas a lot of non-darkfic is just about things other than whether characters are "good" or "bad," and even when it's about characters' morality, it's usually less contrary to the canon, so there isn't as much emphasis on it or time spent contemplating it. so it's less in your face.

but yeah. i put a lot of work into taking the characters of supernatural seriously as complex and morally suspect people. that's what's fun to me. i find the other way kinda boring. i'm glad you enjoy what i'm selling :3.

(for some supplemental reading check out this post by @astermacguffin)